I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
