His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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