Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
