Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
