He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
