Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
