I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
