I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
