So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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