I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He better not be in your backpack
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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