I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
