Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
