Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
