Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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