He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
