Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
