That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
