Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I cannot find my penis.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
