look no pants
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
