Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
