alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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