I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
