don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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