Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
