Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
