my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
