she woke up with a sticky ear
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
