I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
