trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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