Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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