i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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