I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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