I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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