the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
