So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
