I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
