He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
