every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
