I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
