Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
