i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
