Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
