i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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