Don't you send me to vm
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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