I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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