They should really pass out barf bags in church
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
