dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
