YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
