Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
