I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
