true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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