she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
