My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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