So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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