Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
