I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
