We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
