He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
