I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
