Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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