my sisters under your porch take her home
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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