i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My bed smells like the plague
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
