last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
