just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize